#ForeverAlone, Or Maybe Just Temporarily

If you’re anything like me, or just any human living on this planet, you’ve most likely thought, at some point or another, that you’ll end up alone. Maybe you’ve had your heart broken a time too many, or maybe settling down & the white picket fence dream has never appealed to you, or maybe you’ve been single for so long that you are convinced you will be forever alone. Personally, I’ve already settled with the idea that I may have to convert to being a cat person some day down the road to fill the void of a nonexistent love life. The fact that I’m sitting at home on a Thursday & Friday night writing this post may have a part in my single-ness, but I’m going to disregard that theory for now.

I am not exaggerating when I say it’s been years since I’ve been in a relationship. Honestly, I would even go as far as saying that I have never actually been in a traditional relationship. I’ve went on dates, been stuck in the pre-relationship phase numerous times, but nothing has been solidified in quite some time. It’s not that I don’t want to be in a relationship, that’s not it at all. Even though I’m a realist, I’m such a romantic at heart. I have so much love to give. I love love.

I’ve had plenty of philosophies as to what the reasoning behind my long-term single-ness is. At the ages of 18 & 19 I was still reassuring myself that it wasn’t me & people my age weren’t ready to settle down, but as I got into my 20’s, I had started wondering what was wrong with me? As I rang in 22 years of life, still single and with no contenders in sight, I was positive that I had the plague. I mean, my mom had already been with my dad for years at my age, all my friends have been or still are in healthy, lasting relationships, shoot, even my 19-year-old brother has been in the same relationship for years & he’s a complete goof. It was time to do some soul searching & ask some questions.

Although I have struggled with years of unsolicited availability, I have remained happy, hopeful, and confident. The other day, out of curiosity & a moment of doubt, I asked a close friend to be completely honest with me & share what she thought was the reason I’ve been single for so long. Was I too picky? Am I attracting the wrong guys? Am I too relaxed? Is something wrong with me? Do I scare people away? I needed a honest (even if it was harsh) outsiders perspective instead of trying to pick my own brain for answers. She told me,

“I think people are indimidated by you (in a good way). Guys are like, ‘wow she’s too good for me. I don’t want to get involved with that. She’ll break my heart (in a good way) and I’m not ready for that.’ You’re the type of woman to bring someone to their senses. Once you bring them into your world they’re most likely saying, ‘oh man. She’s the real thing. I’m not ready. I’d rather mess this up than go through all that work to keep up’. What I’m saying is you’re so perfect for anyone around you at the moment & they’re scared to approach you and afraid of your rejection. And I guess you could say you’re picky, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that! Picky gives you the best person for you. These young men aren’t ready for you, they’re still stuck in immaturity & haven’t hit their full potential, whereas you have hit a lot of yours already and you’re still not done! Just be kind and wait.”

I thanked Mak from the bottom of heart for her reassuring words. They were exactly what I needed at the time. Maybe I didn’t have the plague after all! As terrific as it would be to go on with life believing I was “so perfect for anyone around me at the moment”, I knew I needed to evaluate myself. My strengths & weaknesses. What I had to offer to another person. What may be holding me back from finding a partner. And so I did.

It really bothered me when I was speaking to a coworker the other day about my interests & he said, “man I didn’t know you liked that kinda stuff. I pegged you as a typical white girl that goes to Starbucks every morning”. Oh boy, am I so much deeper than that. I’m a walking contradiction. At times, I feel like I’m two people at once & I regularly struggle with balancing those two personas. I’m a laid-back person with a ton of anxiety. I like to be alone & independent, yet I yearn for companionship. I’m highly spiritual, but I see God more in the peaks of mountains, branches of an oak tree, and tides of rivers than in a church pew. I don’t live in the grey area. I’ve been hard-headed and headstrong since birth. I feel & do everything in extremes. I either want to stay inside, in bed all day or be out exploring from sun up to sun down. I will go 8 months without exercising then, all of a sudden, I’ll start working out 4-5 times a week and eating healthy. I either have really great days or horrible days. It’s almost like I’m almost too deep of a person. There’s a song named “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls & part of the chorus says, “I don’t want the world to see me, because I don’t think that they’d understand”. You may interpret that as me being closed off to others, but I prefer to go with “selective with who I let see me” because, when I do let someone in, I’m as open and vulnerable as I can be. I don’t have a lot of acquaintances. I was never the kid that had huge birthday parties, I’ve always only had a handful of close friends, but lemme tell ya, those few friends are gems. When it comes to guys, I’m never interested in more than one at a time. I’m unintentionally loyal to the core. This comes from me putting so much energy into the people I care about, especially my significant other. I go out of my way to make sure the people I love and care about are taken care of, fed, and happy no matter the cost, the inconvenience to myself, no questions asked. I put so much energy into other people that I need time alone to decompress and recharge sometimes. Often my openness, vulnerability, and tendency to give my all to someone gets taken advantage of & this becomes the source of most of my heartbreak. I get mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted if I have too many people in my life. Sometimes I am forced to reject people & this is taken as me being cold or rude, but I just have no interest in expending my energy on something I don’t see lasting. I’m a perfectionist & I’m looking for ultimate compatibility. I have so many interests, hobbies, and passions & I’m so worried I’ll never meet anyone that I really click with. I couldn’t imagine dating someone who didn’t share the same love for 90’s alternative, folk, and rap music as I do. Or museums, religion, travel, nature, being active, but is also a homebody. I’m looking for a soul mate, someone who shares every facet of my passions & imagination. I need a mind, body, and soul connection. I know this is a tall order, and even if I do find someone compatible in that sense, the odds that they will also share every interest with me is slim.

To wrap things up, I was talking to my mom last week about compatibility & how I felt that no one was even similar to me & of course, she had the best advice. She said, “don’t limit yourself to only people who have the same interests as you, because if they love you, they’ll love what you love”. Also on that note, if they love you, they will love you for you. The good days and the bad days. When you are all done up before you go out & when you are in bed with a face mask, your matching pjs on, and unshaven legs. Always remember, timing is everything. Sometimes it just takes you following the path God set out for you & you will discover that finding love is one of the stops along the way, not the destination. No one is #foreveralone. Just temporarily. And while you’re waiting on that one person, cherish those already in your life. Call your mom, spend quality time with your siblings, take your dad to lunch, buy your friends a little something when they’ve had a bad day, treat yourself. Most importantly, spend time with your true soulmate, the one who will make sure you are truly never alone. Buy a devotion, if church isn’t for you, look for Him in a sunset, spend a few quiet moments before bed in prayer. Love the Lord.

“Someday someone won’t be afraid of how much you love. They won’t stay on the shore; they’ll meet you in the depths.”

Until next time

-BGrace out✌️

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